January 2016 Cakey Horoscopes

Aquarius – This month expect all your favorite games to be DELAYED. Oh, and that Division beta code you were waiting for? Your roommate, the guy who still can’t get through world 1-1, already used it. And he drank your milk and sat your cat. You know what, you should probably just stay inside, lock your doors and work from home this month. Also, avoid Scorpios at all costs, they come to kill your family.

Pisces – Saturn’s rings light up the sky with their radioactive glow this month and you have a burning desire to play Gitaroo man on your PSP, the original model, none of those cheap lightweight hunks of breakable plastic they called the psp 3000. But your charger is lost because when the hell was the last time you actually picked up that thing so you order one off ebay, wait a week, charge that sucker, fire ‘er up and play the shit out of that game until your eyes bleed awesome. Its gonna be a good month for you.

Aries – You’ve started to notice that what few friends remain to you are sick of your Gradius II-esque stick shooter game you threw up in Unity and made them play test until the cheap casio keyboard sounds of your “temp” music makes them cringe and cry salt rocks. And maybe it’s time to rethink the cheap outsourced labor you hired for the art team. You can’t cut corners on that sh!t. Go back to playing Shovel Knight n00b.

Taurus – Now is a good time to get back to your roots. All those classics you’ve put on the back burner? Never gotten around to? Do it now before all your friends leave you. They laugh behind your back, you know? It’s hard for them to comprehend how you can have anything in common with a person who’s never played the vector graphics classic Gravitar. What’s wrong with you.

Gemini – Your split personality makes you the perfect co-op partner this month… in Donkey Kong Tropical Freeze. Gear up Diddy. You’re never gonna beat Orphan of Kos anyway. It’s okay though, you can always watch someone better than you beat him on YouTube.

Cancer – This month is when you’ll finally leave the dark mud cave where you hide your spawn and crawl into the light to attack an unsuspecting, innocent wastelander with dozens of your asshole friends, bringing down their dog despite how obviously adorable he is and the pathetic sounds of his whimpers illicit no sympathy from you. You horrible monster.

Leo – You are a going to finish Fallout 4 this month. I believe in you. You are also a wonderful and beautiful person. This is your year. Carry on Leos.

Virgo – Your significant other just left you (third one this year, get it together) but you hardly noticed as you burn through Dora the explorer: Monkey Jungle Adventures to get those last few achievement points to finally surpass that dick at work who brags about his gamerscore. Take that Phillip.

Libra – The planets have aligned and you channel your inner Chris Redfield. A wise cracking good shot with massively over-developed biceps, the ladies look to you for a good time and a stiff…drink. Take advantage of the confidence this month provides like only a few shots of tequlia can and go for your dreams, or that next chapter of Dark Souls II because nothing gets in your way right now!

Just kidding, you’re Steve. and no one likes Steve.

Scorpio – Your head might feel like it’s on fire this month but don’t let that get in your way. You have a lot of opportunities coming if you aren’t a giant dick to everyone you come into contact with. That includes Dan. He’s sorry. Get over it. It’s not his fault you’re a sore loser in Mario Kart. Avoid Aquarius jerks at all costs, they’re not having a good month and they come to kill your family.

Sagittarius – You are still playing Skyrim despite all your friends desperate attempts at an intervention. It’s 2016, it’s time to move on. Oh! and don’t look now but you have an arrow in your knee. Think that joke is too old? Well so are you. Loser.

Capricorn – You shouldn’t invest in any Kickstarters this month, as the game genie has come and erased all your save data and you will need that money to replace the Xbox you just shattered in an unprecedented rage quit of epic proportions.

Kojima’s Top Secret VR porn project revealed

Beloved and often misunderstood game developer Hideo Kojima has been quite the jet setter these days, as any follower on Twitter will notice. After his official dismissal from evil corporation Umbrella Konami, he has been seen shaking hands and making deals with team Sony, makers of the Playstation.

Rumors have been flying as to what his next project could possibly be and true to his constant push of the art form, Kojima is diving headfirst into the latest gaming craze: Virtual Reality.

In order to guarantee VR’s success, Kojima was wise to note we must do what Blu-Ray did to win over an industry, get p0rn involved.

With one of the world’s most famous gaming icons at the helm, Kojima has volunteered to spearhead this momentous project, with himself as the starring role. All fanboys and fangirls of the critically acclaimed designer can choose to play as OR play with the famed Metal Gear creator.

Konami has reportedly pre-ordered the first hundred copies.

 

*This cake post is a lie. Obvi.

Konami sells Silent Hill license to pachinko manufactors

The once proud staple of classic gaming creations, Konami announced that the next Silent Hill will be one you pay for a few quarters at a time.

Officially taking over the top spot of most hated game studio, overtaking EA’s ten year reign, Konami crushed gamer’s sweet nightmares of the gloriously received Silent Hills with Guillermo Del Toro and Hideo Kojima heading and starring our favorite Walking Dead archer Norman Reedus by cancelling the game over an utter hatred of Kojima constantly swiping from executive’s lunch boxes and sipping their soda when they weren’t looking.

You may remember seeing this image cycle through the internet and getting a warm and fuzzy feeling tingling throughout your body whenever it came through your feed.

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But alas, the only Silent Hill game we can expect a future launch of looks more like this:

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This reporter would like it known for the record that Konami is dead to me. Deader than James Sunderland’s wife. And YOU killed her Konami. Don’t try to blame the dog.

PS: This cake report is not a lie. But it should be. And you should be ashamed Konami. I hope Pyramid Head corners you in a closet and makes you smell his breath for all eternity.

Tired of ‘too skinny’, Lightning strikes top labels

The fashion industry has long been heralded a proponent of unhealthy visions of anorexic super models. Starved, too thin women who would be put up on a pedestal if their doctors and agents thought their frail bodies would be able to stand the elevation.

The growing popularity of social media has allowed opponents of the unattainable model images to fight back with hashtag wars, anti-photoshop viral posts and tantalizing Pintrest images of ice cream fudge brownie sundaes.

Tired of fighting against the bad press, the leaders of the most bootlegged purse on the planet, Louis Vuitton has teamed up with the most downloaded girl with unnatural hair from Japan (suck it Hatsune Miku.)

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Lightning, star of a popular gaming franchise at its lowest popularity peak in its near 30 year history, still managed to release three titles despite the headliner series’ struggles. Many attribute this to her “strong and tough” nature which is what initially drew her fans in and what also resulted in her being discovered in the first place.

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When reached out for comment, the model had this to say:

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Inspiring.

Myst remake: The Witness, Blows away gaming community

Exploring an abandoned island, solving puzzles in increasing difficulty, finding audio logs along the way, unraveling the mysterious story that ties it all together, sound familiar?Though you don’t have to worry about booting up your windows 95 to enjoy the beauty of the classic island puzzler in glorious HD this year.

Available on PS4 and PC, The Witness is the latest gaming endeavor Jonathan Blow is taking credit for.  Below is the map from an early build of the game:

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(so much shade)

All the fan favorite elements from the original Myst has been painstakingly recreated with a bright new color palate and mostly new puzzles to tease your mushy mind and transform you into a super solver puzzle wizard (or frustrated rage machine) by the time you survive the 50+ hour long side quest.

It has the segregated raised telescopes! (liberties taken with upgraded telescope)

Windmills surrounded by rock family!

Water trees!

Sunken Ships!

Wavy Puzzles!*

*wavy puzzle is actually from Myst:Exile

Even if you lived through the original Myst and also chose voluntarily to play through the sequels: Riven, Exile, Revelation, End of Ages (admit it, you used the strategy guide) and Uru: Ages Beyond Myst (come on, we both know you haven’t even heard of that one), The Witness is not to be missed.

TheCake gives this remake 10 mega balloons out of 10. Way to blow it out of the water Blow!