January 2016 Cakey Horoscopes

Aquarius – This month expect all your favorite games to be DELAYED. Oh, and that Division beta code you were waiting for? Your roommate, the guy who still can’t get through world 1-1, already used it. And he drank your milk and sat your cat. You know what, you should probably just stay inside, lock your doors and work from home this month. Also, avoid Scorpios at all costs, they come to kill your family.

Pisces – Saturn’s rings light up the sky with their radioactive glow this month and you have a burning desire to play Gitaroo man on your PSP, the original model, none of those cheap lightweight hunks of breakable plastic they called the psp 3000. But your charger is lost because when the hell was the last time you actually picked up that thing so you order one off ebay, wait a week, charge that sucker, fire ‘er up and play the shit out of that game until your eyes bleed awesome. Its gonna be a good month for you.

Aries – You’ve started to notice that what few friends remain to you are sick of your Gradius II-esque stick shooter game you threw up in Unity and made them play test until the cheap casio keyboard sounds of your “temp” music makes them cringe and cry salt rocks. And maybe it’s time to rethink the cheap outsourced labor you hired for the art team. You can’t cut corners on that sh!t. Go back to playing Shovel Knight n00b.

Taurus – Now is a good time to get back to your roots. All those classics you’ve put on the back burner? Never gotten around to? Do it now before all your friends leave you. They laugh behind your back, you know? It’s hard for them to comprehend how you can have anything in common with a person who’s never played the vector graphics classic Gravitar. What’s wrong with you.

Gemini – Your split personality makes you the perfect co-op partner this month… in Donkey Kong Tropical Freeze. Gear up Diddy. You’re never gonna beat Orphan of Kos anyway. It’s okay though, you can always watch someone better than you beat him on YouTube.

Cancer – This month is when you’ll finally leave the dark mud cave where you hide your spawn and crawl into the light to attack an unsuspecting, innocent wastelander with dozens of your asshole friends, bringing down their dog despite how obviously adorable he is and the pathetic sounds of his whimpers illicit no sympathy from you. You horrible monster.

Leo – You are a going to finish Fallout 4 this month. I believe in you. You are also a wonderful and beautiful person. This is your year. Carry on Leos.

Virgo – Your significant other just left you (third one this year, get it together) but you hardly noticed as you burn through Dora the explorer: Monkey Jungle Adventures to get those last few achievement points to finally surpass that dick at work who brags about his gamerscore. Take that Phillip.

Libra – The planets have aligned and you channel your inner Chris Redfield. A wise cracking good shot with massively over-developed biceps, the ladies look to you for a good time and a stiff…drink. Take advantage of the confidence this month provides like only a few shots of tequlia can and go for your dreams, or that next chapter of Dark Souls II because nothing gets in your way right now!

Just kidding, you’re Steve. and no one likes Steve.

Scorpio – Your head might feel like it’s on fire this month but don’t let that get in your way. You have a lot of opportunities coming if you aren’t a giant dick to everyone you come into contact with. That includes Dan. He’s sorry. Get over it. It’s not his fault you’re a sore loser in Mario Kart. Avoid Aquarius jerks at all costs, they’re not having a good month and they come to kill your family.

Sagittarius – You are still playing Skyrim despite all your friends desperate attempts at an intervention. It’s 2016, it’s time to move on. Oh! and don’t look now but you have an arrow in your knee. Think that joke is too old? Well so are you. Loser.

Capricorn – You shouldn’t invest in any Kickstarters this month, as the game genie has come and erased all your save data and you will need that money to replace the Xbox you just shattered in an unprecedented rage quit of epic proportions.